A Bi-focal view: Frugal can make for a stress-free Xmas

We are shaped by our environment... The past is prologue... Everything old is new again.

There are many other aphorisms that apply to how our past or childhood precipitates our present behaviour. People experience Christmas differently - it's not always about accumulation of gifts but that seems to be the point for most people (or am I being too cynical?). One thing I have noted over the years is the ubiquitous, majority expression of exhaustion and the tinge of disappointment inherent in the phrase that can be heard as early as Christmas morning: I'm glad that's over with!

We may seek to have a great Christmas, we may choose to avoid Christmas as much as that is even possible, and we may have a different kind of Christmas thrust upon us. I wonder if Christmas even exists in the present. Isn't the current Christmas usually a bust that cannot stand up to our past memories or our future aspirations? Isn't gift-giving or gift-exchanging the central element now, with friends and family perhaps taking a back seat to it all?

When it comes to the nexus of purchasing, giving and receiving gifts, those without extra money may feel compelled to spend because of societal or peer pressure. The working poor with children try to give the kids a facimile of a Christmas full of presents, but the kids are aware of what's hot and what the other kids got for Christmas - the influences and the result of affluence are everywhere. Those with money can buy presents but the turbo treadmill of trying to out-do last year's present or to compete with friends or family is exhausting and ultimately hollow, isn't it? Then there is a real minority - those of us who basically opt out, choosing not to get too involved with the whole mercantile or status elements of Christmas.

My real Christmas lives on in my memories. The best is not today, nor tomorrow, but the present day can bring its own rewards exclusive of gift to-and-fro. Growing up in a large family is a great equalizer; for many years there were eight kids home with my father the only wage earner. We were never so poor that we went hungry or homeless. Quite the contrary, always a roof over our heads and a meal on the table. But it was not an affluent upbringing as we learned about hand-me-downs and how to make do. I give a salute to my parents as they still managed to give us wonderful Christmases bereft of fancy celebrations.

Being raised Catholic, getting to Midnight Mass was a big deal, and the rest of the holidays radiated from that central act. We started our celebrations as soon as we got home. As bona fide Christmas stockings were rare in our home, and there was no fireplace for many years, we used our father's work socks. When they were in short supply, we used dinner bowls for our goodies: an orange, an apple, a banana, lots of nuts, grapes and chocolates and hard candy (I can still taste the Lowney's hard candy that came in a metal bucket...hmmm). Most winters we received a new coat or rubber boots, as the necessities had to do double-duty as presents. But we did enjoy our presents, be they board games or a toboggan.

Even now I remember the thrill, some fifty odd years later, how excited my brother Roy and I were when we were blessed with roller skates - the kind you needed a key to fit on your shoes. We wouldn't be thwarted by the snow, and off we went to find some sidewalks around the army base we lived on. The skates couldn't get much traction on the patches of snow and they slipped off the rubber boots, but this is still one of my best memories. It's a memory from a strange time when kids could still be innocent of the world's troubles. We were actually grateful for, not entitled to this wonderful present.

In big families you learn to grow up fast, as there isn't a lot of time nor energy to go around. We didn't have parents fretting over our activities; self-reliance was expected. As the years went by, there were still perhaps six children of school and high school age living on our father's small wages as a Commissionaire and his various small pensions. During this time, even before puberty took over, my mother would give me money to do the Christmas present-shopping for the family, as she just never went shopping. (She was so inured to virtually having the life force drained out of her from having so many children that she never learned how to enjoy or even partake of many normal housewife activities such as window shopping, or shopping for clothes for herself, and not even supermarket shopping.) I can recall being the preternatural consumer in the house, thus the designated shopper. I even had to drag the gifts for my siblings home on the bus, by myself. (I can't imagine today's kids carrying lots of money like I was and taking public transit to make decisions for the family. Can you?) As we got older, Mom just handed us $20.00 bills and we did our own shopping. Once the belief in Santa is extinguished, I still think money is the best way to go. This model is now evidenced by the popularity of gift cards - zero responsibility or guilt on the gift-giver's part and much satisfaction on the gift-ee's part.


Pulling away from gift-giving really started for me about two decades ago. One year, within two months, my partner lost his job and I ended up on strike for about five weeks. Without notice we were impoverished and having trouble making the rent for a couple of months, and our downtown Vancouver rent was quite high. While the labour issues were resolved for me, the cumulative fiscal hit continued for a long, long time as we became a one-income family. That Christmas I advised my friends and family that there would be no presents - we couldn't afford it and we requested that no one give us presents - that would only make us feel worse. (I've always been candid.)

The next year, as we started to regain our fiscal footing, we did not go back to the old way, as we went from zero gift-exchanging to giving presents only to our parents. Occasionally there would be a small present exchanged between us - a book or a disc - but we were more likely to take a vacation or have people in. We tried not to compromise on hosting and attending a few dinner parties. To this day, that remains our Christmas tradition - we never went back to exchanging presents with friends or family once our parents passed on.

We're quite happy with this arrangement, and avoid a lot of stress. Being familiar with our chosen model of frugal Christmases has again come in handy as this year we're enduring some fiscal discombobulation. Neither of us has worked since moving east over two years ago (some health issues for sure) and we're back to being a one-income family living on my pension. Our issues are about long-term fiscal security and health, not Christmas trees and shiny presents. Exchanging gifts is simply not a stress-inducer for us, and I have never missed it.

Over the years I've had many people compliment me or express envy, but never emulate our stance on gift exchanging. The follow-up comment has usually been "I just couldn't do it". What they "just couldn't do" is what I found/find the easiest thing - advising people that you're opting out of the gifting aspect but not the social aspect. This has worked well for us, and continues to be a major part of our Christmas season. I have no buyer's remorse on Boxing Day and always a delicious meal under my belt.

There is another tonic to gift-gluttony - charity to those less fortunate. It may be a cliche but as I get older, I want to give more though I have less. This year I have less than last year, so my charity really does begin at home. It was different last year. I actually won money in one of those hospital lotteries. At the time, I recalled an article that the food bank needed money more than food as they could expend a dollar to purchase 3 or 4 times its value. I took my cheque and signed it over to them with the knowledge that substantive not trivial  good would result. Giving that money away last year was my sole Christmas gift, in-coming or out-going and I honestly, truly, without artifice, felt like I had received a present. I guess it really is the thought that counts!

One final thing: If we had kids, like so many exhausted but giddy parents before us, we would make Christmas revolve around them, but put a lid on it and not over-indulge them. Overkill is not necessary and moderation in all things. So... having lots of presents may not have been a big part of my life, but the Christmas nuts, candy and fruit continue and the main HUGE meal continues as the most adhesive of glue for our Christmases.